The Reason I Am Invisible

It took me less than two hours to inhale “Inadvertent” by Karl Ove Knausgaard. I simply sat in front of my bedroom window after having coffee and breakfast, never once putting the book aside.
He touched me. Not in the same way Paulo Coelho did with
“The Alchemist”, for he ignited a feeling of pure happiness and a sense of purpose in my chest. But he touched me differently because he made himself so approachable.
So real.
So naked.

I want to be naked — but I don’t.
I want to be seen and heard — yet at the same time I don’t.
I want to be invisible, because it makes me feel invincible.
Even though I know it’s not true.
But at least I can convince myself that I’m safe, when I’m not seen.

In that sense, I’m like the rabbit I once saw on a walk with my dogs. It started running but quickly changed its strategy and hid, not moving at all, right under my dogs’ noses as we passed by.
It was safe, right there in the face of danger. But it wasn’t unnoticed; I had seen it. I kept it safe by not making any noise or movement that might have drawn my dogs’ attention to the bunny in that particular moment.

I feel like that bunny.
On the edge of being noticed. With a heart full of fear, waiting to remain undiscovered, unnoticed.

But what is it that compels me to do what I don’t want to do?
What is it that forces me to become visible? A part of me that says:

“You have to do this. This is the way to success. If you truly want what you say you want, this is how to get there.”

Okay. But what do I really want? What is success to me?

It’s certainly not becoming a business influencer on LinkedIn with thousands of followers, posting pictures of myself accompanied by attention-grabbing statements for the algorithm’s sake.

It’s also certainly not pressuring myself into a specific positioning to sell something I’ve created — even though I do desire to create.

However, I don’t want to force myself into a system that I don’t feel comfortable in, and I believe I am not the only one feeling this way.

‘[…] you have to be strong enough to say if the culture doesn’t work, don’t buy it. Create your own.’ — Mitch Albom (“Tuesdays with Morrie”)
One of the first quotes I ever wrote down into one of my journals.

But what would this culture look like to me?

We live in a world favoring profit-driven systems.
And we’ve reached a point where this no longer works.
We need updates, but change takes time and effort, and it faces resistance
because humans struggle to change as quickly as their environment does.

I know I’m not the right one to change mindsets that developed in different times, with different experiences. Different worldviews than mine.
It’s my ego speaking; but I don’t want to spend my limited time on Earth fighting against people.
I want to co-create.

There is a generation of creators, that is not here to only “earn money”.
That is here to fill their lives with meaning.
To create valuable moments through awareness and action.
These are the people I want to spend my time with.
These are the people I want to empower to create new systems
for a more human- and planet-centered future.

This might be a starting point for a culture, I am thinking of.

But,
how will I get there without positioning myself?
how will I get there without a title or name to my “product”?

Why don’t I just start?

Because I haven’t been passionate enough about any idea I’ve had so far.
I’ve had many, but none of them felt like “the one”.
The only consistent thread in my career has been my fascination with the human mind.
The way we behave. As individuals, as well as in the realm of our social interactions.

I know how to get to the core of a person’s inner self,
beyond the ego with its desires and sometimes misleading thoughts.

I know how to facilitate a space of chaos for creativity to breathe,
without losing sight of the big picture.

I know how to create a fundamental structure,
that can be the starting point for a journey to follow.

So…

I know exactly WHY I want to do things.
I know exactly HOW I want to do them.

But, I just don’t know exactly WHAT to do.

That is why, for now, I remain invisible.
Unseen by those who might want to work with me.
But visible to you, just like that bunny.

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Originally published at https://namascae.substack.com.